How to Survive the London Underground

Picture: Rita's Lectures

I have not made a huge secret of the fact that I am a ‘wannabe Londoner’. Yes, although deemed forever to be a country bumpkin, I am somewhat desperate to adopt my city friends’ lifestyle and attitudes. Well, in order to attempt to create my urban persona, I am going to share with you the absolute DO NOTs of the London Underground. We all know what I’m talking about, those annoying habits people have that you can’t quite ignore. Those little pet hates that eat away at your sanity until you feel the need to change carriage or just get off the train a stop early. I present to you- the trials and tribulations of the tube.

Don’t do your make-up while riding on the underground. Unfortunately, this is one of which the writer is guilty. Apparently men are not accustomed to women putting small, curved brushes and black pencils in their eyes and I seemed to have attracted quite a few funny stares. 

Don’t read 50 Shades of Grey. This one is for the girls: it is just too late, we’ve passed the stage when it was (almost) acceptable and now it just looks like you enjoy the books enough to re-read them. Having said that, I would be fine with a guy reading it on the tube- just keep to the PG stuff or you might get a little embarrassed. 

Don’t catch someone’s eye. You know that awkward moment when you’re looking at someone and then they look back at you, and you realise you’ve been staring just a little bit? No one wants an eye dance.

Don’t sit between a loved-up couple. Does this one need explaining? 

Don’t forget that your headphones were only cheap, and everyone in the entire carriage knows that you’re listening to Justin Bieber.

Don’t expose your post-busy-day-in-the-office armpits to the poor woman who is about shoulder height, crammed into the corner next to you. The train is completely full and she has literally nowhere to go. Now that’s just mean.  

The above rules will certainly help with easing your travel nightmares and ensuring a smooth, stress free tube journey. But, if like me, you want everyone to know that London is your home town (sort of), that you learnt the tube map before you learnt to read and that your oyster card is at least 5 years old (obviously), my top tip for making sure everyone around knows that you are a real Londoner?

Do make annoying, ridiculously over-the-top tutting and sighing noises while tapping your foot impatiently if an innocent tourist hasn’t yet picked up on the ‘stand on the right’ rule on the escalators.Then they'll know who's boss.